Isaiah’s Practical Guide for the Modern Male

How to handle the Holidays….

            When you see someone’s newborn baby and the kid looks like a Klingon, you know damn well the parents are expecting you to give the standard complement “Oh my god he/she is beautiful” but you don’t want to lie, you cant say “omg your kids ugly, what happened?” Just say something like “wow he looks just like you”.

When someone is about to talk your ear off and you don’t really feel like being trapped in a conversation about their trials and tribulations with chronic hemorrhoids, just say “I’m sorry, I have to go drop off the Cosby kids at the pool” Not only will they be perplexed trying to figure out what you just said but once the light bulb does go off in that little head of theirs they’ll be understanding and might even offer you some of their ass cream.

When someone offers you food you really don’t want to eat or like just take it with a smile and say thanks. Odds are they have a dog or a cat that will happily take it off your hands from under the table, and if they don’t the most likely have little kids in the house and you can just drop and your host will just assume it was one of them.

These are just a few of the helpful hints that will help you get through all the holidays, Happy Thanks Giving and Merry Christmas.   

For better or for worse...

Sometimes you just have to do, what you just have to do. You see when you become a man there are certain undeniable truths in life, you have to grow up (at least a little bit when the situation calls for it), you have to find a mate (online doesn’t count), you have to get a real job (Ice Cream scooper at 31 flavors doesn’t cut it), and last but not least you have to trick a women into thinking you are man enough to tolerate the rest of her life so she will marry you. That means putting the toilet seat down, washing her car, picking up after your self, less hanging out with the guys at 7/11 on Friday nights and the occasional feminist propaganda disguised as a movie (Sex in the City). It’s not the end of the world but a stepping stone in the journey called life. So when the time comes don’t be afraid to man up and hand your nuts over, it has to happen some times.

How to seduce a woman

So you’re not a Latin chico rico savue, but you want to be. First things first all women, well most of them have some kind of self esteem issues; there is always something they don’t like about themselves. Use this to your advantage, tell them how nice their shoes are, or how nice their hair looks today, especially if they just got a new hair cut or style. Don’t be that guy who goes up to a girl you don’t know and drop a lame ass line, it doesn’t work, you have to use your Jedi mind tricks, saying “damn you got a nice ass” is not one of them. If you see her in the club ask her what she is drinking, it’s a great open ended question that is completely non threatening. You also need to learn to dance, sorry I know some of you hate hearing that but a tipsy girl with beer googles already on can be easily seduced if she likes the way you move on the dance floor. Trust me girls find it a turn on if you can dance well, take a Salsa class and pick up some Meringue if you can. Last but not least make eye contact and pretend you care about what she is saying, pretend she is the only girl in the club and seduce her with you eyes.

P.S. use protection

Size matters

Ask any woman if size maters and she will flat out tell you “No”. That answer is a lie, a LIE! If you got the same girl alone with all of her girlfriends out on the town and they are drinking they will say it matters, and all the girls at the table will agree. Size does matter, and if it didn’t then why would women check out a guys package? Hell even the size of the diamond in a ring maters you put on their finger, you know damn well it matters what you put in them.

Super Ugly

Is it me or does ugly seem like its on sale right now? Recently there have been a rash of ugly people cited in there streets and in the malls. It’s an epidemic. I can’t turn on the TV without seeing Katie Couric on the evening news making me regret that I have a high definition TV.  This phenomenon of ugly people everywhere is a direct contradiction of the theory of evolution. If evolution is in fact true then can someone please explain butt ugly ass people? I mean survival of the fittest, strongest, smartest, and healthiest right? The more attractive of the species gets the mate, that’s the way the theory goes. But when you look around it seams like only ugly people are breeding, Super Model chicks shouldn’t be dating and breading with guys that look like mini me but they are. The point to all this do us all a favor and stop sleeping with ugly chicks, your just going to fuck it up and get her pregnant and make a ugly baby. Do us a favor and make her swallow.